"In an attempt to pique my interest and keep myself engaged while healing, I like to pull a random cookbook off my shelf and then open a random page and force myself to cook whatever is on that page. I find I heal better and faster when I specifically try new things and get myself out of my standard comfort zone while I’m grieving." - Susan Claire
Susan Claire is a wildly-creative entrepreneur. From running multiple small businesses, to creating professional cakes, to designing her own stunning wedding dress, she invents beauty. Also, she and her husband, Jeremy, run an international video-game company. Platinum Digital Video filmed their incredible French-countryside-themed wedding 4 years ago.
Here is Susan Claire's beautifully honest account of life after marriage, and the ever-present pain of miscarriage.
Jeremy and I got married in 2013 in a perfect ceremony at Santa Fe River Ranch. I loved having people there to share in the beautiful day with us.
One secret that you can’t tell by watching our wedding video is that our officiant told one of my bride’s maids that he gave me and Jeremy 6 months before we divorce because I was a “difficult” woman!! (Obviously he was wrong). Another secret, and one of my favorite parts of our wedding day was sneaking off to Burger King late at night when it was all over; that, and seeing Jeremy so happy.
The beautiful video Shena made and photos of the day are what I have to remember everything. When I look at what she made, it helps me to remember how beautiful things are in retrospect. Somewhat like marriage; sometimes the moment can be challenging… but the outcome can be glorious.
Shortly after our wedding I became pregnant and then miscarried. This experience repeated itself over and over. We still have no children to this day much to my deep sadness. Even doing errands is difficult sometimes as it’s hard to avoid seeing baby items, pregnant women, or moms with young children.
I had been running a beautiful little cupcake bakery downtown for a few years and even this came to a close as I dealt with my grief.
With each miscarriage I have to try new methods of healing and medicine helps. Previously I didn’t do any form of exercise, as working in a bakery was physically quite a workout…. lifting 100lb bags and mixing everything by hand. Currently I do weight training 3 days a week and cardio training 2 days a week at a gym near my home. I find the weight training days especially beneficial when I’m feeling really sad or really angry. There is nothing like struggling under a weight that takes all your focus and effort to move, to get your mind off of something.
I really do love to cook. I have a large collection of cookbooks and antique cookbooks. In an attempt to pique my interest and keep myself engaged while healing I like to pull a random cookbook off my shelf and then open a random page and force myself to cook whatever is on that page, even if it sounds horrible. I find I heal better and faster when I specifically try new things and get myself out of even my standard comfort zone while I’m grieving.
Working on ARK (see Jeremy's presentation about their new video game he designed) has been something Jeremy and I really enjoy doing together. Other than that I enjoy getting to travel with him, going to the movies, or snuggling up on the couch to watch TV together.
Marriage has helped me to learn to be more self-reliant. I came to marriage assuming at first that partnership heals all. You turn to it only to realize sadness persists despite being lessened. I came to see I must find strength within myself to feel and heal what hurts. Marriage is delightful, but it is no replacement for a healthy ability to care for your own emotions. By being in a relationship with another you can sometimes find yourself, or at least I did. Marriage provides a mirror for me to see myself more clearly. I learn who I am by seeing my own reaction to Jeremy which exposes myself to reflection within my own mind, permitting me to grow.
On The Future
Patience, losing my mind, hope, self control, nature, pets, music, good food, family, friends, and my spouse… these are all things that have helped me and continue to help me in my times of sadness. And I look forward to having a child regardless of if that means adoption or birth.
|October 2016. Jeremy and Susan (on right) with Susan's twin sister and her husband (on left).|
-Thank you, Susan Claire for your open and honest account.
p.s. Check out "After The Wedding Film" Post #1